Scientific Question...

I've always wondered why farts smell more in the shower?

Shopping...

Every now and then I like to do my bit for the world. So on Sunday I asked Coombesy to come along with me to the local retard centre and look after a kid for a day. In the corner we spotted this young kid on all fours making weird Goat noises. We took him by the leash and he was so excited when we took him out shopping (pictured). The saliva and food stains on his shirt were at times obscene, but we persevered, doing our part for society.

He kept asking us to take photos of him. It was like he had never seen a camera before. Check out the smile on this kid. I don't think he had ever been happier when we told him if he didn't shit his pants again that we would get him ice-cream. God bless his 'special' soul...

Ferarri's are better...

If you read my previous blog you will know that we went to a party last weekend. In all the confusion, I managed to leave my beloved BMW umbrella - that I found such a short time ago - amongst the rubble. Some fucker is walking around with my/someone else's umbrella.

Anyway so I decided that I needed to get a new one myself. It turned up in the post today and I now have this magnificent creation of human ingenuity and engineering. Some might say the Fulton Umbrella (endorsed by Her Majesty herself) is the Ferrari of the umbrella world. In terms of comparison with my former BMW, this takes the cake. It has auto-open/close mechanisms, and huge golfer-size cover (123cm diameter when open). I am considering adopting a Malawian child just to maximise it's cover potential...

Long time between blogs.

Are we all getting sick of these blogs? Or are some people actually coming to this page every now and then in the hope of a new entry? Please let me know...Either way, we might be able to put people out of misery.

Anyway, went to a party on the weekend. Two steps before we enter, the genius we all know as Goatman drops a "bombshell" (Coombes 2006) and says "Oh, it may be fancy dress". For fucks sake, we walk in and everyone is dressed in Halloween get up.

Also apparently (as Coombes and myself found out on the weekend), that if you don't eat at least 5 Weetbix every morning, you might as well be a mouse (Johnson 2006).

Also, we 'learnt' that eating a tin of Milo has the same nutritional value as eating pure protein (Johnson 2006). Milo is the new steak, tuna, chicken, & turkey.

I suggest anyone who does not know Christian Johnson, to become friends with him. Hours of free entertainment.........

Burlesque...

Photos have surfaced of last Saturday night's debauchery. Here is a pic of me looking a bit worse for wear towards the end of the night. That moustache was itchy.

All in all a good night. But the next time I get myself to that state, Coombesy please stop me. I never want to look like that again...

Escapee.

I was coming home on the train lastnight and was standing in the aisle listening to my music. Out of nowhere I felt a sudden ripple in my arsehole as some elusive gas escaped from my hole. Shit, did I make a noise? I had my headphones in and a guy's head was at my arse level. I pretended like nothing happened in the hope I hadn't made a huge noise. No one I was facing seemed to notice anything, but I was too afraid to turn around. What was the point...

Which brings me to my next quandry. How does a deaf person know their fart isn't going to make a noise? It's why no one's ever heard a deaf person fart. Think about it, it's true...

Yessssssssssssss....

A random blog comment (see yesterday's post). My life has been fulfilled! I have now received a blog comment from someone that I do not know. Coombes you better watch out as I am only 1 behind now. Although mine may have come from an automated super computer that also plays World Championship Chess, it still counts. Just like losing your virginity to internet porn still counts...

This blog is slowly but surely snowballing like hormonal driven teenagers at a school social.

Tuesday...

Ok, I went a bit mad on Sunday and uploaded about 60 odd (2.5 years worth) video clips from my time over here. It was uploading so quickly that I couldn't pass the opportunity. If you are useless and still haven't got yourself a log in, get your fuckin act together and get on. It takes about 2 seconds. Or maybe I mistakenly thought you were interested in my life...

Well, I ain't got anything funny to say. The other night I woke myself up laughing, twice. That was pretty funny I thought.

Lion Tamer

Saturday night Coombes and I went to a friend's 21st party. The theme was burlesque. We rocked. Coombes could have picked up too, but when those bright halogen lights came on at the close of play, there was some bad lighting on the porch and his time spent chatting to her was decided possibly futile. All in all a quiet night. I also had a quote that Coombesy quite poetically arranged. Something about friends and relationships. At the time it was beautiful, but rather than try to paraphrase the whole thing now, we will put our heads together to try and remember what the fuck it was we were talking about...Stay tuned for it to be posted tomorrow. It's gold...

The haircut...

I bit the bullet...Time to pay some Turkish fella £10 to cut my hair. I went down to the usual place and took my seat in the chair. Not only was my normal hairdresser there to give me the usual (Turk 1), but also the guy from next door's womens salon (Turk 2). For some reason we always eyeball each other when I walk past everyday. I know he doesn't like me for a fact. Anyway, Turk 1 sits me down, and goes into the room with Turk 2. They shut the door...What is it they are doing that necessitates shutting the door? Is there a conspiracy against the Asian guy who comes in once a month? I start to get extremely paranoid...

Turk 1 comes out and starts the usual proceedings. He chops here, cuts there. Then all of a sudden he says "Today I give you sexy haircut". I build the courage to stammer out a "no, it's ok, just the usual". He says, "I make it shorter for you, sexy". I start to plan my escape. I haven't got a bag, there's nothing to grab. All I have to do is jump out, and start sprinting in the easterly direction. I take note of the waiting stool I may have to negotiate around, but other than that, it seems like a clear path to the door. But for some reason I can't move. It's like Milgram's Social Experiment and I have just opted to shock the person next door to a painful death. I let him do as he pleases.

From the room emerges Turk 2. Turk 1 who has now stopped cutting my hair says to to him, "deka deka deka deka Australia....deka deka deka deka...chinese". To which Turk 2 looks at my hair and says "deka deka, deka, deka". I really start to shit myself now. What the hell is going on. Turk 2 exits.

Finally it seems the haircut is at the end. I am given the back mirror. But for what reason? Has anyone in the history of haircuts ever said its not ok? Surprisingly, it seems ok and everything else seems fine too. What the hell just happened. I definitely missed something. Did they steal a strain of my hair to take away for genetic research? Did they put semen in my hair instead of wax as some sort of sick joke? I really don't know. All I do know, is that for £10 a pop, I'll be back in one month.

What to blog about...

Somedays are so bloggable whereas others leave you blogless. I am considering walking to the shops and trying to walk into as many bees as possible, or waiting til someone does a shit in the toilets then going in there for a piss. Actually, now that I put my mind to it there are so many options...

W-A-L-K of shame

Dear Music Myspace,

I left Normal Myspace to be with you, only to be let down time and time again. The whole relationship was based on empty promises. A wise man once said, "to love others, you must first love yourself". This doesn't really relate to our situation, but it's a good motto to live by. Since starting with you I've come to the realisation that I deserve more. You leave me feeling frustrated and used. You do things for others that you refuse to do for me. Why is this? I no longer wish to be one of your many pawns in this wicked game of Music Myspace addiction. I am making the stand now, and saying no. No I will not put up with this anymore. Goodbye and farewell, you were a waste of my time...

Dear Normal Myspace,

I made the terrible mistake of leaving you for another. How I deeply regret the decision. The lost time we will never have to share with each other will haunt me forever, but this is something that I must live with. Being with Music Myspace only made me appreciate what we had. I cannot relay my happiness at you choosing to take me back. One must 'live for the now' and I feared that due to the mistakes I had made in the past, one would no longer accept me.

Friends forever...

Juls

moohahaha moooohahaha moooohahahahaaha mooooohahahhaahahahah

Life's dilemma.

Just went to the toilet for a wee. Got in there and it absolutely stunk like Hitler had dropped an atomic bomb. I have pondered this question many times and even tried out both combatants against this situation. But still, I am yet to find a conclusive answer.

Is it better to take one HUGE foul intake of shit particles into your lungs in the hope that you can finish weeing in time, wash your hands, and make a quick exit. Or do you suffer the insult of taking many short breaths in the hope of not getting too much shit build up in your lungs at one go?

I am still yet to decide...I may conduct an empiral experiment later today. Results will be posted.

Umbrella days...

I have neglected my blog for a couple days. Time to start getting serious again. Had a great weekend. Spent ages on ebay looking for a good umbrella. A worthy investment for London life. Top quality umbrellas can cost anywhere from £20 to £150 for designer ones. It's all about the rib construction and diameter when fully open. So my story begins....

That very same day on the way to the station I spotted one on the ground. I walked past it closely checking to see if it was unbroken and at the same time pretending to any possible onlookers like nothing was up. Once I had determined that it 'seemed' fully intact, I made sure no one was watching, then carefully retraced my steps back to the goldmine I had just stumbled upon. I then swiftly picked it up and upon closer inspection, my astute suspicions were indeed correct and I was now the proud owner of a BMW umbrella with 8 ribs cut in the 'classic' round style, an automatic open and close button function, and a torsion-free hexagonal shaft. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Myspace :(

Sadly I've had to have a trial separation with Myspace. Times will be tough for the both of us, but it's been brewing for a while. I wanted to spend more time with the Music Myspace version, but my Normal Myspace account was getting jealous and wouldn't allow me to do it. So I bit the bullet and broke it off with Normal Myspace. Now I have started getting with Music Myspace I thought it was all good. However she does not let me do what I want. I am getting extremely frustrated now. She is not doing the things Normal Myspace used to do for me. I think I miss Normal Myspace, but I think for my own sake I must face the consequences of my greed and choosing Music Myspace in the hope of a having more giving relationship. I hope I do not regret it...

Jayne Cook.

If you're reading this, get back to work. I have just given you my proof reading to do. If you're wondering whether I'm doing any work myself, as you can see, I am...... Get back to work. You too Fuss.

moohahah mooooooohhahaa moooooohahhaha moohaha mooohaha

Last night..

In case there are those who religiously follow my blog, I got nothing...

Anyway back to today. In light of Coombesy's latest blog entry, I thought I would share with you a pic circulating Chinese restaurants in the UK. I have my contacts...

'Mr Jelemy' as they call him has now become an honourary Asian after collecting enough stamps at his local Chinese takeaway.

Charlotte is back......for a week

Charlotte has spent the last month up north training for her trip to Delhi. She gets back tonight for a week then she's off til January.

Yep that's right. If I play my cards right I will be getting some tonight. Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Eagles by 1 point? Awesome...

This pic is of the moment I realised Goat was leaving in a couple of days. No, seriously it was taken just as the siren went to give the Eagles a 1 point win over the Swans. I would have to say it was one of the best/happiest moments of my time in London, other than of course when the bee flew into my face (see below).

Popular Request

Due to popular demand, the previous post has been removed from the site. I suggest anyone reading this blog who does not agree with the opinions and views of one Julian Chong to visit http://toomuchtime-jez.blogspot.com/

Although less funny, it is in need of some clicks.

Goodbye...

ps. I will be coming round next week to collect my things...